1 post tagged “fish sticker”

A fish

Reuters, today: In a landmark trans-denominational ruling by the Pope, an evangelical has had his fish sticker revoked for discourteous driving and stealing allotted parking spaces. 

‘He was advertising his allegiance to Christ while acting like a dufus,’ said the Pope.  ‘If evangelical leaders aren’t going to set limits concerning use of vehicular fish, Rome will have to do it for them.’

The evangelical, Frank, is reported to be ‘confused’ by the papal intervention.  ‘I don’t recall the bible saying that the Keys of St Peter work on a Nissan Micra,’ he told reporters.

Appearing before the Vatican, Frank’s wife defended her husband with the following impassioned speech:

‘Has my husband disgraced the Christian religion by displaying a fish sticker while behaving like a moron?  I confess there is some truth to the allegation.  But is it not truer to say that the fish sticker is an admission that one has confessed one's wretchedness before heaven and is crying out to be cleansed of precisely the kind of crimes my husband wallows in?  Is it not the case that the public has been ill-educated regarding the significance of the fish, and has taken it to mean a badge of holiness?

‘My husband Frank, good sirs, is anything but holy.  I would submit that any holiness – nay, basic decency – that exists in him is wholly miraculous in nature.  That fish sticker on his car proclaims the hope – his hope and, in particular, mine - that my husband will not always persist in bad driving, parking-space theft, belching at the dinner table, and watching our next door neighbour Glenda sunbathe in a bikini that appears to have been fashioned by spiders.  And one day, when Frank gets his act together, learns to parallel-park and submits to a haircut and a scale and polish, the world will be able to see that fish sticker and join me in giving thanks to God for his reformation.

‘We Christians should not try to give the impression that ours is a religion of morality, of goodness, of ethical standards and clean living.  It is not.  Claiming membership of the Body of Christ is an admission of moral bankruptcy.  My husband’s fish sticker does not say, “I uphold high moral standards, so please refrain from using coarse language around me.”  It says: “I’m not nice.  I drive like an enraged monkey.  I am frequently lecherous.  I have to be positively bullied into washing my neck.  I may or may not do a good job of concealing my unpleasantness to you, but I have confessed it openly to God and have consented to the slow but inevitable demise of the unpleasant person who owns this fish sticker.  Rest assured that everything unpleasant about me is dead, and the only reason it persists is because God sees fit to make my transition from wretch to saint gradual, so as not to submit my wife to a fatal shock.”

‘The sticker says: “God counts me as dead, and so should you.  My bad driving and perversity and my indiscretion at last year’s office party are being phased out of existence; everything you rightly dislike about me is being strangled to death, and one day will exist no more.  Someone new is emerging from within this oaf with no table manners, and that new person is the one you will meet in heaven, God willing, by which time the owner of this fish sticker will have been utterly obliterated.”  In other words, your holinesses, that fish sticker says: “I am wicked, but don’t worry – I’m under a death sentence.”’

Next door neighbour Lorraine testifies that since the revoking of his fish sticker and his wife’s disappearance to Rome, Frank has become ‘something of a softie.’  ‘He’s spent the last three days at his bedroom window with a pair of binoculars,’ Lorraine giggled.  ‘I never figured him for the ornithology type.’